The Cotton Floozy

The B Word! GIVEAWAY

2012-03-02T12:24:00.000-08:00

Since the last giveaway was so much fun, I have decided to do another one. This one is a bit different. You won't be submitting your favorite quote to be stitched. Rather you will be winning THIS:

the only B word
you should call a
girl is
Beautiful.
bitches love being
called
beautiful.

THE LACE. It is cute.

This is not my own saying. It's rolling around on Pinterest. If anybody knows who actually coined it, let me know so that I can credit him/her.

HERE'S THE DEALIO:

Go ahead and comment. Anything. Like, hello! or, 'sup? or, my cat sneezes carrot globs! It doesn't really matter. Enter as many times as you'd like. I'm leaving this contest up for an entire week. So tell your friends! Your neighbors! Your bitchez!

I will announce the wiener next Friday (March 9). If nobody enters then I will hang it from my neck like a ginormous sad necklace.

OKAY PLEASE ENTER YES NOW!

Why I haven't been posting very much lately ...

2012-02-24T14:18:00.000-08:00

THIS IS WHY!

THE 'DANNICORN'*

If you were married to such a fine specimen as Mr. Floozy here, would you get anything done either?!

*Photo courtesy of my friend, Capree!

The Cornfed Girl likes me! She really really likes me!

2012-02-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

And I have proof!

Johi (said Cornfed Girl and Internet Celebrity All-Star Funny Bitch) sent me a birthday package! And I opened it early, because my birthday isn't till next week and 'I hate waiting.'*

Even her gifts prove her extreme awesomesauceness.

Best Card Ever!

So true!

YES! My fridge will be happy and Xtra snarky now.

Creepy Doll likes her new 'Gangsta Nerd' button.

See? She gets me! And I heart her. And one of these days we are actually going to meet in person. I'm thinking Vegas. Surrounded by sexy singing drag queens while we sip mojitos at the poolside bar. Pick a date, Johi!

And for all y'all who visited today for a Friday Quote of Some Such? Sorry. The Quote Muse is taking a sabbatical. I'll let you know when she bitchslaps my face again with a quote I can't help stitching.

Stay awesome, my friends.

*Princess Bride Quote! Maybe my Quote Muse isn't broken after all.

Chickens Wearing Sweaters

2012-02-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

How in love with these rescue hens are you?

Okay, so who has a chicken I can crochet a sweater for?

To read more about chickens wearing sweaters and how I plan to survive the upcoming Apocalypse, go and check out my Happy Valley Crafters blog post. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO. Our little blog about crafting in Utah County is struggling. Think of it as a featherless rescue hen that needs your support and inspirational comments about how YOU will survive Doomsday. Thanks in advance!

Happy One-Balled Pirates Day!

2012-02-14T11:01:00.000-08:00

I have a very rad cousin whom I don't see very often (close to never) but whom I still keep in touch with through Facebook. Recently her husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer and well, lost a ball. I told her that I wanted to make a sampler for her, not necessarily cancer related, but she wrote back saying that she would love an embroidery that worked in the whole losing a ball thing. SHE TOLD ME I COULD DO IT.

Hopefully today she won't unfriend me on Facebook.

So here it is in all of its weird and random glory:

one-armed pirate still has one ball!

Ahem.

(Oh, and please ignore the weird coloration around the wording. I used water to get rid of the soluble ink.)

The WINNER and my new favorite phrase

2012-02-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

And the winner is . . . .

congrats, Jennifer LeBaron! You are The Chosen One! Please email me your address and I will mail this lovely out to you! (thecottonfloozy@gmail.com)

At first when I picked this quote, I was like, oh, okay. But the longer I thought about it, the more I was like, whoa, yes, awesome! In fact, it is my new favorite phrase.

MR. FLOOZY: What are you wearing?!

ME: It's my new granny robe that I bought at Walmart for 3 dollars and I love it, so, get used to it.
...

CAR WASH ATTENDANT: What did you do to our car wash? It's broken!

ME: I have no spacial awareness and can never line up my wheel on the thingey so I accidentally rolled over a pipe or something. Get used to it.
...

RANDOM STRANGER: Why is your shirt on inside out?

ME: Because I am dorktarded! GET USED TO IT.

My First Giveaway!

2012-02-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

STFU

update! I am extending the contest until 6pm tonight! (Monday, Feb 6.) That way I can choose a winner tonight, stitch it, and present the finished product in the morning.

Don't be scared of entering! Go on! Dooooo it.

Because I have a head cold that will definitely morph into a sinus infection by Monday, I am not going to stitch a "quote" today. Sooooo, (*drumroll*) I am going to do my first giveaway (<-Oprah voice). The PRIZE will be a sampler featuring a quote, saying, or lyric of YOUR CHOICE. (No illustrations, please.) And then when I have finished stitching it, I will mail it to you FREE. (International orders are OKAY.)

BOOYAH.

Here are the rules: The quote or such must not be longer than 10 words (example: the Preamble to the United States Constitution is too long.). . . .

. . . Okay, there was only that one rule. I told you that my head hurt.

In the comments section, leave your quote and your name. Go ahead and enter as many times as you'd like. I'll draw the winner through an app or something. I'll figure out that part later. I promise not to cheat.

AND GO!

This hat I made grew some lovely hair

2012-01-30T11:47:00.000-08:00

My mom's hair is starting to grow back from the chemo, but she still likes using hats and head-scarves. But not wigs. Too itchy. (Anyone who has read 'The Witches' by Roald Dahl knows that wigs are excruciatingly itchy.) The other day my mom commented that it would be great if only a little bit of faux hair could poke out the bottom of a crocheted hat. Brilliant.

So I made this hat this morning.

Guess what, Mom? You are now a red-head.

It's more of a slouchy/beret style hat than a normal beanie. Don't ask me for a pattern, because I'm a make-things-up-as-I-go-along-type-of-gal.

Bangs

A few wispy tendrils of hair in the back suggest a head full of Anne Shirley Blythe hair.

For the inside of the hat, I made a headband of soft fleece so that her forehead doesn't get itchy. Between the fleece and the hat, I glue gunned the hair. The hair is from a wig I used for Halloween awhile back. Yes, I should have taken pictures of the inside. But I've already propped Disembodied Ginger Lady Head on my mom's kitchen counter top for maximum shock value for when she gets home from chemo today. I'll take pics of the inside later. Or, if people are interested, I could make another similar hat and make a tutorial.

I was pretty pleased with how it turned out, but there is still the practicality test it needs to pass. Like, how does is look on an actual person's head? And does it itch? If it doesn't pass my mom's test drive, at least I can say I tried, right?

Say yes.

Yes. It's Valentine's Day soon. Please don't make her cry.

2012-01-27T16:07:00.000-08:00

The first Valentine's Day that Mr. Floozy and I shared, I spent crying. No. Not just crying. Blubbersobslobbering. Because I had never had been 'in a relationship' with a boy around that dreaded Ides of February, I was hysterically excited by the fact that I was a 19 year old bride and FINALLY HAD A VALENTINE. I gave the Flooze Dude a card and a chocolate in the morning, clearly impressing upon him the idea of 'gift-giving.' He did not pick up on it. And considering that I had always been so snarky about most sentimental things, he truly didn't believe that I wanted one. He couldn't figure out how I went from a perky 19-year-old wife in the morning to a swollen, splotchy, cankled 73-year-old hag in a mere 12 hours.

Poor Mr. Floozy (still pretty much a child himself) went out to some opportunist kiosk and bought me a dozen roses. Yeah, it shut me up. And Mr. Floozy has never forgotten a Valentine's Day since!

I feel that telling this story I have undone four decades worth of women's lib. SORRY.

If any of you are afraid of making your boyfriend/girlfriend blubbersobslobber, fear not! You can convo me at my Etsy store for a custom sampler. (I am going to start phasing out my Etsy store to only custom orders, btw.) Or you can head on over to Signed and Numbered if you live in the Salt Lake Area. They will be carrying a Valentine's Day Collection of Floozy Goodies. I will be dropping off my collection this weekend, so you should be safe anytime after that.

Please. Don't make your child bride cry.

Here are a few examples of my Valentine's Day Collection:

I love you more than deep-fried bacon.

i like your face

Roses are red, violets are blue, Ninja love assassins are purple-ish.

The First Valentine

2012-01-20T11:26:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite movies growing up was a claymation adaptation of the book 'The Diaries of Adam and Eve' by Mark Twain. In particular, I loved the end of the movie after Adam gives his wife the first valentine and contemplates his love for her, saying, 'Wherever she was, there was Eden.'

I made an embroidery piece of this quote for my mom.

Wherever she was, there was Eden.

Many of you know that my mom was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer last July, and ever since then her life has been a horrible mess of awful. And she has been so brave and so strong and so so so tired of being so brave and so strong. I would like to share a little backstory on her cancer ordeal just in case it can prevent anyone out there from having to endure what she has had to. The summer before last (June 2010) my mom found a breast lump. She immediately scheduled an appointment with the doctor and was told by the radiologist that there was nothing to worry about and that the lump was benign. Phew! We were all so happy! The radiologist and his staff reassured her that all was well and told her to come back in a year as a followup. Well, that benign lump was indeed breast cancer and had spent the year growing and becoming super dangerous.

I'm telling you this so that you know to always use two processes of elimination to make sure that any tumor you have is not cancerous. And please. GET A BIOPSY.

I found a lump in my breast 6 years ago and had a lumpectomy (in the doctor's office, while I was awake). The doctor extracted the tumor, dropped it in a jar (it made an actual 'plink' noise) and told me that he was positive that it was not cancer. And then, HE BIOPSIED IT. Hey, not cancer! For realsies!

Please don't let what happened to my mom, happen to you. Right now she is still in the process of chemotherapy, recovering from a mastectomy (with a nasty infection) and is gearing up for weeks of daily radiation. I have watched her and decided that this cancer? It is no good. Yet through it all my mom has been loving and kind and amazing.

And truly, wherever my mom is, there is Eden.

These boys know how to 'gay it up.'

2012-01-18T14:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I have been soooo slooooow on this blog. There is a reason! I was out-of-town in sunny St. George, Utah. The weather was lovely, but the company was even better. The in-laws! I know! I am truly lucky to have fun, hilarious, and kind in-laws. Especially, Mr. Floozy's sibs. Mr. Floozy's way rad sister (and spouse and kids) and way rad brother (and boyfriend and hairdo) were there and we had a great time playing games and growing kidney stones by drinking way too much Diet Coke.

If you are bored with this site, fear not! Go over to Happy Valley Crafters. There has been a flurry of activity over there, making it no longer The Cotton Floozy Blog 2. Also, make sure you check out The Cornfed Girl's blog. It will make you laugh unless you are dead inside and or Donald Trump (same thing.) Johi, she of the corn, recently secured a spot in the League of Funny Bitches All-Stars (which has currently gone dark because of SOPA/PIPA, so check back later.)

Meanwhile, get stinky about your rights on the Internet and check out this pic of my bro-in-law and his boyfriend. I gave them this belated Christmas present and told them to 'gay it up' for the camera.

A newborn blankie and hat, modeled by Creepy Doll

2012-01-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Disembodied arm points to my latest handicrafts.

My brother is about to have another baby via his wife's uterus. So I crocheted a blankie! And a little hat. And then I desecrated the cuteness of the whole thing by having Creepy Doll dress up like a newborn, frozen in time. FUN.

The Baby That Time Forgot

Oh, and I recently realized that Creepy Doll plays music! She has a windup thingey protruding from her backside and everything! The song is Old McDonald, if Old McDonald was a gothic ghost who haunted British castles.

Blinkless

30 ROCK COUNTDOWN!

2012-01-06T06:08:00.000-08:00

Guess what, people! In less than a week is the Season 6 Premiere of 30 Rock. Sooooexcitedsooooexcited!

Thanks to one of my favorite fan families, (Holla, Kennards!), I made this 30 Rock quote sampler for a custom Christmas order. What's your favorite 30 Rock quote?

Isn't there a slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?

HAPPY PILL SAMPLERS

2012-01-04T12:37:00.000-08:00

effexor, prozac, cymbalta!

I finished sewing these beauties today in honor of my latest The Gospel According to Floozy post over on Happy Valley Crafters. If you have ever wondered about Utah's high antidepressant usage, wonder no more! I reveal all, for I am the great and powerful wizard of Effexor.

If you don't click this link I am going to have to up my dosage.

I want to be (pause pause) your sledgehammer!

2011-12-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

No more Christmas song bastardizations on Music Lyrics Friday! No one is sorrier than me that I never finished my 'Jack Frost Roasting on an Open Fire' Opus.

Today's selection comes from a classic 80's song fraught with wholesome metaphors.

I want to be
YOUR SLEDGEHAMMER

Sing it, Peter Gabriel!

Christmas Aftermath

2011-12-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

Phew! Christmas is over! And we spent all our money.

help me, i'm poor.

One thing I forgot to spend my money on -- Bridesmaids the DVD. Dangit! Thank goodness Mr. Floozy got me an amazon gift certificate!

And thank you, special customer, who ordered this sampler for your sister. I hope she liked it!

Don we now our Gay apparel!

2011-12-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

The Manicorn has been holidayified.

Don we now our gay apparel!

'Tis the Season to be Coughing

2011-12-16T13:48:00.000-08:00

Is it just us or does every single Tom, Dick, & Harry Potter virus seem to slowly domino through the family? It is like we are endlessly inflicted with some cough, sneezy, or puking bug.

Which is why I stitched this...

Let it blow ... let it blow ... let it blow....

The FLOOZY CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE is here!

2011-12-14T13:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, techinally, it's over there at Happy Valley Crafters. But it so worth it! Go there! On Dasher, Dancer, Whatsherface, Prancer!

Femi-Mofo!

2011-12-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how many of you have browsed through my Etsy store, but if you have, maybe you have seen this:

stay at home mofo

My super awesome friend Brittny, fake-bought this on Etsy and then messaged me saying, "Uh, since I am not a SAHMofo, can you make me a feminist working gal version instead?" And I said, yes, of course! Because I believe in the power of all of us women-folk-mofos. I don't understand the friction between SAHM's and those women who choose to work and/or not have kids and/or do whatever brings them personal fulfillment in their lives. I picture all of us mofos like the Whos in Whoville, holding hands and singing "Dah who do raze! Dah who do raze! Welcome Christmas, bring your cheer!" I mean, that is a beautiful image full of beauty and truth and Christmas goodwill, right?

Here is the final product for my friend. I call it the Femi-Mofo! Sampler:

free-thinking
leftist
liberal
career-oriented
feminist
MOFO!

Deck the Harrs with Boughs of Horry.

2011-12-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

Today's sampler is both a movie quote and a lyrics . . . . quote.

Deck the harrs with boughs of horry fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra.

Radiohead makes me tingly.

2011-12-02T17:24:00.000-08:00

It's Friday! Which means I stitched something. Instead of movie and television quotes, I have decided to start something new! Music quotes. Also known as lyrics.

If you want to know anything about me, know this. I am obsessed with Radiohead. I love them. Love for them I have in my heart. See this general area where my mom chest is? that is where my adoration for Radiohead throbs with love. Throbs. LOOOoooOOoohhhvvveh.

My favorite song is Let Down, but I decided to stitch something from No Surprises. Mostly because the lyrics fit nicely with the whole homemaking kitschy theme I got going on.

such a pretty house and such a pretty garden
no alarms and no surprises

This is what happens when Mr. Floozy goes out of town.

2011-12-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

I spend the day taking pictures of my dogs.

Someone call Puppy Protective Services. This lady is crazy.

Please enjoy the fruits of my labors by going to Happy Valley Crafters and reading about it here.

ENJOY.

Pizza Man Say 'I'm a Vegetable!'

2011-11-30T11:57:00.000-08:00

I am totally not cool with calling pizza a vegetable.

Because obviously, it's a fruit.

*Pizza Man hand-drawn by Mr. Floozy Junior.

Also, check out the apron version! Great for Christmas gift-giving, yes?

My favorite television show of all time is . . . .

2011-11-18T07:53:00.000-08:00

. . . . BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER.

I am sure that this surprises no one.

My girls have started watching it with me and one of their favorite characters is Anya. She is one of my favorites, too. I mean, this his how she describes herself:

"Oh, that's very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."

One of our favorite episodes that we have watched over and over and over again is 'Fear Itself.' You know, the one with the haunted house where everyone's fears manifest themselves? It is pretty rad. In the beginning Xander tells Anya to wear something scary and this is what she comes up with:

When asked why she wore this particular costume for Halloween, Anya answered:

bunnies frighten me.

Also, check out the actress, Emma Caulfield's, newest project -- a web comic titled, "Ripper." I have really been enjoying its Serial Killer goodness.

Firefly! Why did you have to end!?

2011-11-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

I mourn the loss of many short-lived shows, Veronica Mars, Arrested Development, Freaks and Geeks. I makes me sad that they were cut down while in their prime. But maybe the one I miss the most is Firefly.

I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.

Floozy Makeover: Utah County Style

2011-11-09T15:21:00.001-08:00

Utah County Lady

To see the original version of this pattern, go to Floozy Finds! You won't be disappointed!

Today is really real TV Quote Friday. SO SAY WE ALL.

2011-11-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

I stitched this hat last Friday for TV Quote Friday, but uh, the white crayon that I used to draw the lettering pattern made it look wonky. I figured it was no good, but then I remembered that modern miracle, the Washing Machine. And so I washed it. And the hat was saved! And somewhere Captain Apollo took off his shirt and wrote me a sonnet. Because he is sensitive like that. So say we all.

LITTLE LADY LINGERIE makes creepy costume fun time hey!

2011-10-31T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here is me in my Halloween costume:

Me and my pretty pretty dollie!

Remember when I blogged on Happy Valley Crafters about finding a booth called 'Little Lady Lingerie' at the Quilted Bear? Well, I was just too enamored by the whole concept of creepy boudoir nightgowns, that I went and bought one for myself! Mr. Floozy was appropriately freaked out by my Halloween costume choice.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I just told you that I was beautiful.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN from Ctholly's Eviler Twin

2011-10-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, remember Ctholly? Secret love child of Cthulhu and Holly Hobbie? As it turns out, in a shocking plot twist, Holly gave birth to TWINS. One was raised on a moisture farm in a galaxy far far away, and the other was raised on . . . .

THIS PILLOW.

Licking Cats is a family HOBBIE.

I did the stitching, but my mom made this pillow sham in like twenty seconds. She was all zip zip bibbity do dah SHAM WOW! And then it was finished.

If you sully me, I can be washed, yo.

Ctholly 2 was presented with love to Dame Toadstool. It was her birthday and I was only like two weeks late in giving her a present.

Cthulhu, Holly Hobbie, Ctholly Twins, and I would like to wish you a HAPPY WEENIE!

DON'T BLINK

2011-10-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

Why hello! I have been unnoticeably absent on this blog and other internet hot spotz because I have been busy in the real world. The most notable thing I did this last week was clean my pantry, because it was becoming seriously lethal. You're going into the pantry to get some Cocoa Pebbles when BLAMMO -- a can of cream of mushroom soup falls on your head. Who wants "A Can of Cream of Mushroom Soup Killed Her" on their tombstone? .... Okay. Yeah. I do. Can someone make sure my gravestone says that? K thnx.

Today the TV QUOTE FRIDAY HOOHAW! is late because I went to the Witch Fest at Gardner Village. It was fun but oh so crowded. But my favorite part of the day was when I saw this at the Creepy Doll Store:

I want to call you 'Mommy.'

I know!

Anyhoo. Today's movie quote comes from my friend who wants this stitched so that she can hang it over her daughter's bed. It's from Dr. Who. Tell me you know what the Weeping Angels are or I will weep tears of blood and sadness. And blood.

DON'T BLINK

A much MUCH awesomer embroidery was done of this quote. I featured it on my Pinterest. If you want me to follow you on Pinterest, let me know. I'm all about following other people till they issue a restraining order.

Creepy Doll has something to say.

2011-10-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Heya, Creepy Doll! Wassup? You have something to say to me and my readers?

i am going to make you cry and dip my cookies in your tears.*

AAACK RUN AWAY!

Wait. Don't run away yet. Here is one more photo so you can see the stitching better.

*This quote brought to you by Sarah and American Dad and TV Quote Friday!

My kids are "alternative-beautiful."

2011-10-19T13:25:00.000-07:00

Every Halloween I set up this little spooky tableau on my piano.

Notice the holy water. That is 100% real holy water! I got it from a Catholic shop in Salt Lake. I pretty much wanted to buy everything in the store even though I'm not Catholic. I feel so much more prepared for the Apocalypse now that I have holy water.

And check out that photo of my beautiful children!

You too can beautify your children for Halloween by simply covering a photo with plastic wrap and then defacing it with sharpies.

Make sure you keep checking Happy Valley Crafters! I am posting a photo every day this week. It's so good, it will make you want to live in Utah! hahahaha.

BAZINGA! and my secret shame.

2011-10-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

Last week's "Arrested Development" quote was a hit. Asking for television quotes from you people who are supposed to supply me with material, was not. Only ONE (1) person gave me a quote. KrazyKris suggested "BAZINGA!" And I liked it because it was short and exciting, but confession: I HAD TO GOOGLE IT. And then I learned that it was from The Big Bang Theory, a TV show that I have been planning on watching, since, oh, the big bang ( I am that old.) I know! I am a loser! Here is a list of all the television shows I haven't watched. but I know that I should:

The Wire: Just power through the first three seasons, someone told me, then it gets crazy good!

Modern Family: I am 100.3% positive that this show would be my style, but I didn't catch the first episode, and if I don't catch the first episode, then I have anxiety knee-pit sweats about starting in the middle.

The Middle: I have heard that this is funny, too, and that it has waffle jokes.

Breaking Bad: I actually started watching this and loved it, and then my mom got cancer and I jettisoned all shows about cancer (see: The Big C).

Survivor: I am not highbrow enough to make any sort of holier-than-thou comment about reality television. I'm sure that this is fun, but doesn't this show take place all outdoors?!

Treme: This show looks stressful.

And of course, The Big Bang Theory.

Dork alert! The main reason I want to watch The Big Bang Theory? It has Billie from Charmed.

And I am sure that there are plenty more. I would recommend a few shows that maybe you're not watching? The United States of Tara (uh-maz-ing), Wire in the Blood (on Netflix! British, not for the squeamish), the Sherlock Holmes miniseries (also on Netflix, it has Benedict Cumberbatch, the most Britishly-named man of all time and Tim from Gervais' the Office), and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (so funny!).

Okay, so what should I be watching? (and include a quote with it, pretty pretty please).

Be Weird

2011-10-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

My new interwebz friend, Sarah, from wonderstrange arts, made this wunderlich creation called "Death's Minions -- Be Weird." And I bought it.

And it is now in my house. And I am happy.

As a mother, I think that 'Be Weird,' is one of the best messages that I can tell my children. That it's okay if they are different. That it's okay if the jokes that they love are only funny to them. That it's okay if they are not always smoothly acceptable to everyone else.

Make sure to check out all of the beyond awesome items at wonderstrange.com. I love all of the artists there. I will probably be buying some more of their work, because it is my style. And don't forget: BE WEIRD!

'Don't Take My Spot' Pillow

2011-10-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Every time my kids sproing from the couch to do a quick something (pee, eat a snack, sculpt a bust) they without fail say the same thing, "Don't take my spot!" Because once a spot has been claimed on the couch, it is now a special spot, full of mysterious comfort and perfected butt grooves. Inevitably, another child will sidle in and take the other kid's spot. Like nest stealing cuckoo birds.

Because I went to college for 7 whole months, I am now a Problem Solver. I stitched this pillow.

DON'T TA E MY S OT

Yeah, I need to restitch a few letters in darker thread.

Now, please place the pillow down on your favorite sitting territory and go read my latest Floozy Finds. I won't take your spot. I promise.

Arrested Development Embroidery Sampler

2011-10-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

To celebrate the return of Arrested Development I am going to start doing Friends of Floozy: TELEVISION Quotes Friday!

This sampler was screaming for lace, so I added it. (Actual lace cut from Lucille Austero's control-top panties.)

Comment on this blog or tweet or carrier-pigeon me your favorite TV quotes. Sitcoms, Courtroom Dramas, Reality television -- you name it. And don't forget, the shorter the quote, the more likely it is to be stitched. I'm tired.

Creepy Doll Heads Find Purpose and Meaning and Inner Light

2011-10-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

I like Halloween. A lot. Pretty much most of the books I read fall into a subset of Halloween type literature. If a book doesn't at least have a vampire or a zombie or a ghost or a werewolf or a succubus or a demon or a gay angel, I have a difficult time mustering interest. Now, I've read a lot of great literature. I'm a sucker for a superb novel, and I will be coerced or guilted into reading one now and then. But, I'm a sad, ennui-riddled po' white stay-at-home mofo so I read mostly for the sense of escapism. My imaginary world is Halloween all year long. It is awesome.
That being said, here is what I did with the creepy doll heads I bought at the thrift store:

Would you like to play Twister with us?

I poked out their eyes and stuck them on battery-operated tea-lights.

My children might need therapy for this later.

I also used an old doll I had from my childhood for my creepy doll shrine. I didn't even have to deface her or poke out her eyes to make her creepy. I just stuck a gray cheesecloth over her and put a fake crow, some rubber rats, and a plastic spider on her face. So cute!

Floozy says Happy Halloween!

It's Sandwich Monday...

2011-10-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

...on Floozy Finds!

My Etsy store is finally open!

2011-10-01T09:29:00.000-07:00

Here you go: The Cotton Floozy's Etsy. Buy yerself something purty.

Friends of Floozy! Genial Stalker Edition!

2011-09-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday. Although it feels decidedly Wednesdayish. This week has been crazybuzy -- full of family emergencies that have delayed my Sorta Grand Reopening of Etsy. It was supposed to happen this morning, but it will be more like this evening. That is if nothing else goes wrong. (I just jinxed my internet.)

But I did get my movie quote finished! This week's quote comes from Eric D. Snider. He is my favorite movie reviewer because his reviews are trustworthy, hilarious, and well-written. I politely emailed him (carefully censoring out any 'scary' stalker fangirl phrases like, 'your favorite pajamas' and 'binoculars') asking him for his favorite movie quote. Well, here it is!

Little known fact: Whore Island neighbors the Floozy Atoll.

Good for all occasions!

2011-09-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I really need to get crackin' making BACK OFF eye masks. The ones that I have made have been especially appreciated on airplanes and in hospitals. My sweetie Portuguese friend, Maria, wore hers in the hospital for her baby's birth. Doesn't she look smashing?

My store is opening in a few days, and I will try and get a few masks online. Also, let me know if you want a custom one that says something a little bit more threatening. I will give you the nerdtacular Battlestar phrase, Frak Off, for example. Or you know. The other f-word. With or without an asterisks.

All I lack is my own jingle

2011-09-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

Floozy Floozy Floozy Finds!

Please tell me you sang that as a jingle. Out loud. In front of your persnickety boss.

It's Monday! Which means I overuse exclamation points! and I tell you all about car stickers on Floozy Finds. That's hard-hitting journalism at its finest, folks.

My Ho'cruxes

2011-09-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

You know how in Harry Potter? Voldemort breaks up his soul into several pieces like stale taffy and hides them around the countryside of England? These pieces of his soul are called horcruxes. Well, I feel like I have my own version of horcruxes. Sure, they aren't in England (except for David Tennant), and yeah, they aren't exactly evil. But they are a part of me. And I am just starting to find them. I don't call them horcruxes though. Because they are people! People whom I have found through the internet. They seem like little pieces of me! I call them my 'Ho'cruxes.' In the last few months I have found many awesome ladies who somehow share such similar tastes in humor, life outlook, and interests, that I can truly call them my special ho's.
One of them is Evelyn.

I made this for her You Big Mary store! When is your store going to open, Evelyn? HINT, HINT.

Another artistic woman that I just met is Sarah. I bought something very cool from her store. I will show you a picture of it when it gets here!
And then there is Johi. She is a very important ho' of mine. I'm not sure where we met on the interwebz. I think it was a dooce forum. She is the funniest blogger ever! You should read her every day right before you brush your teeth in the morning, when your breath is especially fuzzy and rancid. I know she would appreciate that image.
Yesterday, my very beautiful, talented, and hilarious ho', Johi wrote this awesome blog post about gift-giving. She wrote an inspirational story about her gay friend who received a handstitched 'Manicorn' sampler made by moi.
Johi! You is a very special ho'crux to me! My ETSY STORE store is having a grand re-opening SEPTEMBER 30TH FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY! In honor of Confessions of a Cornfed Girl and all of my other ridiculously amazing ho'cruxes out there (are you one?) the coupon code "CORNFEDGIRL" will grab you an extra 15% off!

As Johi would say,
Peace, Love, and Manicorns!

It rubs the movie quote on its skin...

2011-09-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

or else it gets the hose again. I made another Silence O' Lambs quote, but this time it is longer and slightly more threatening. I'm still taking quotes from friends, and here's a hint: they are much more likely to be stitched if they are short because everything with me is very last minute. I am the Ultimate Procrastinating Champion. Fear me. Or not. It's up to you. I don't want to seem too pushy.

Having a good skin regimen is a must!

Talent! it's a cancer mutation gene! Maybe!

2011-09-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

Remember these cute pink ribbons? (I actually was unable to make enough to hand out at the art fair, so I handed out the FLOOZY SAYS RELAX buttons instead.) With the grand reopening of my Etsy store (should be in the next week or so) I will give one for free with every purchase or to anyone who is willing to pay a buck for shipping.

This is my adorable mom:

She has breast cancer. It is yucky yuck yuck!

When she goes into the hospital for chemo or boosters or whatever they are intravenously injecting her with (awesomeness?) -- this is how she kills time:

She stitches!

These will later be cut into squares and made into pillows for Christmas gift-giving. Lots and lots of little snowmen that say 'hope.' Raise your hand if your heart is a little melty right now.

Me and my cute mom, rawking the headscarves.

My mom has a full collection: all from this wonderful store. If you or someone you know needs a good chemo scarf, I recommend these. Also, email me if you or someone you know has cancer or is a survivor and I will mail you a crochet pink ribbon pro bono (fancy word for FREE.)
Have a fabooblous Thursday! No, that insertion of the word 'boob' into the word 'fabulous' did not work! Oh well!

Who Says Relax?

2011-09-21T16:22:00.000-07:00


Diet Floozy says RELAX.

Does this ribcage make me look fat?

Who says Reeelax?

Granger says relax!

Who says RELAX?!


Dobby the Handknit Housemonster says relax.

Good job, Dobby! That lotus position makes you look very relaxed.

Okay now, maybe that is too relaxed.

Thanks to Dame Toadstool for knitting Dobby and Sydney Hunt for my rad FLOOZY SAYS RELAX buttons!

HAPPY VALLEY CRAFTERS IS HERE OMYHECK!

2011-09-19T10:13:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you read that blog title post with a screamy slightly-unhinged, biebery-fevery lady voice. Because OH. MAH. HAYECK. I am now doing a special Monday feature over on Happy Valley Crafters. I spoke about this awhile ago, right? Before The Craptacular Summer of '11. Do you at all remember me mentioning this? Nod your heads. Good. Do what Floozy says. That's right. Now reach into your left pocket . . . .

AHEM!

Without further ado (about something) here it is! The link to "Floozy Finds." You will not be disappointed. (Have I built it up too much?) Okay, maybe you will be a little disappointed. But it's Monday, so my chances are pretty dang good.

THE LINK CLICK ME YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO CLICK ME. CLICK!

Movie, Quote!

2011-09-16T17:26:00.000-07:00

Still doing the Friends of Floozy Movie Quote Friday Dealio. Today I am featuring a quote suggested by my online gal pal, Evelyn. Do you know the movie?

Aziz, light!

Here is another hint:

Book Cover Collages. Is Art!

2011-09-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

I am starting to make book cover collages again. They are pretty damn rad. Some with bodice-rippers, others with overly-sexualized sci-fi. I know! The awesomeness of that last sentence! Here are two artistic collages available at Signed and Numbered. I am making more, soon to be available on my Etsy site that will be given the Kiss of Life sometime this weekend. I am also making some more Bathroom Birdies since those sell like hotcakes, or should I say poopcakes?! OR should I say poop-pies? OOORRR should I say poopcowpies? Which really don't sell very quickly at all, I bet, so please ignore that last bit.

Here is the first collage -- The Steamy Bodice-Rippers!

Don't you just hate it when your top falls off in the water and there is only a hunky fisherman to pull you to shore? I know I do!

Here is the weird sci-fi collage. I wish I knew what that lower left book cover was! Because, dude . . . .

Best. Cover. Art. Ever.

And maybe you are old like me and can't read the blurb on the top middle one, so here is a close-up:

It is the time

of the conjunction

of the Million Spheres

and all things

are possible.

Take a moment out of your day and ponder that.

Friends of Floozy! MQF! Late night! You can read this the same time you watch Craig Ferguson.

2011-09-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

I like to vulcan mind meld with some of my friends to find good movie quotes. And plus, the afterglow is fantastic. My uber-rad friend, Steph, whom I have known since high school suggested the quote from 12 monkeys "I am mentally divergent, in that I am escaping certain unnamed realities that plague my life" I was super captivated by its awesomeness. Also, I love that movie. (As does the Flooze Dude.)
Instead of doing my stitching on normalish fabric, I chose to stitch the quote on this finished gem I found at the local thrift store for TWO! DOLLARS!! Someone put a lot of love into this googly-eyed Twee Chicken in Bonnet and I wanted to give it the proper respect it deserved. No, I did not use the quote exactly, but I used enough of it so that it counts. It counts! In my world. In my sad sad world.

I am not crazy. I am "mentally divergent."

Keep suggesting movie quotes for me! My brain is shriveled and pruny and needs intensive moisturizing cream. Your moisturizing cream.

Friends of Floozy! Movie Quote Friday!

2011-09-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

The lovely Capree suggested a movie quote from the notorious movie, The Room. You must watch this movie! It is so so bad, that it is so so good. Somehow Mr. Floozy and I watched this late one night on Adult Swim. It wasn't edited exactly. The original movie obviously had Xtreme Boobage, but the version we watched had a thumb smear over any hint of nudity. This somehow made the movie that much more salacious. Here is the famous line I stitched:

And here it is stitched.

you're tearing me apart, Lisa!

THE MANATEE AGENDA

2011-08-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

I just finished this embroidery sampler today and will soon be entering it into the next Craftster challenge: Inspired by Nature.

Perhaps you have not yet been warned about the sinister MANATEE AGENDA?

I started creating the idea for this piece after reading this mofo-ing hilarious article: Tea Party Hates Manatees. See how I even used that same picture as inspiration? Aww, Manatees. Who would have guessed that such adorable creatures could be so evil?
The Manatee Agenda sampler will be for sell later this week at the Signed & Numbered Boutique in SLC. Maybe I will make more for my Etsy store (once I resurrect it) if there is any interest. Is there any interest? Until then, here is one more close up:

Pssst, kid. Interested in some environmental literature?

MOVIE quote FRIDAY! 'Friends of Floozy' Edition!

2011-08-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

My hilarious friend, Holly, has her own title here at Floozy HQ. She is the 'Floozy Musey.' Many of my embroidery designs are inspired by the funny things she says. I steal her jokes yes!
She suggested that I use a quote from the movie 'Paul' starring the kickass duo of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. And because it is a movie with special effects, I added my own -- GLOW-IN-THE-DARK-OMG thread.

it's not fat, it's POWER.

Truer words. Okay, so taking a picture of GLOW-IN-THE-DARK-OMG thread is exceptionally difficult. There was much trial and error and swearage. This is the best I could do. (And yes, the only word special-effectualized is 'POWER.')

It is blurry here but mighty impressive in real life.

Since it was so much fun not harvesting quotes from my husband, I have decided to invite my readers and friends and non-existent coworkers to suggest movie quotes for the next few Fridays. Go ahead. Dazzle me with your movie quotes. It might just end up being stitched.

The Anti-Socialites

2011-08-22T13:53:00.000-07:00


The Anti-Socialites 'I cannot stay late, dahling.' 'Neither can I, dahling.' 'I need to nap for several hours for no apparent reason.'

TO BUY: foie gras, butler, laudanum

Remember the good ol' days when you could go to your local store and buy laudanum?

Mr. Floozy's Movie Quote Friday!

2011-08-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, Mr. Floozy ruptured his achilles tendon. And by ruptured, I mean severed. Like, one half was over here and the other half over there. Thankfully, Dr. Bacon (I swear that is his name) sewed him back together. But now Mr. Floozy is in a cast for weeks, months, decades! Poor Mr. Floozy will never fulfill his lifetime dream of becoming a flamboyantly gay Olympic figure skater.
So now that my husband has a gimp leg, I am reminded of this quote:

You had better not try and steal my candy bar, Mr. Floozy, or I am taking you down!

This just in! Creepy Doll Union Strikes

2011-08-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Not to worry. The understudy -- Pink Balloon Head was ready to replace Creepy Doll in the role of naive ingenue. She had her lines completely memorized. Here are excerpts from my pulitzer-hopeful play.

act one, scene one

*Pink Balloon Head stares thoughtfully into the middle distance.

I'm going to skip about five hours of dialogue and get to the grand finale, starring the villain -- Evil Crochet Flower

act seven, scene thirty five

Evil Crochet Flower: If I prick you do you not pop?!

but cute hat, right? I will be selling them!

BACK OFF! the return of the sleeping masks!

2011-08-08T12:56:00.000-07:00

Remember the BACK OFF sleeping masks? I have made more! They have been seriously re-fabulized. I didn't embroider onto a purchased sleeping mask this time, but created my own. I made a simple pattern and behold:

I didn't use a sewing machine though. These are completely hand-stitched. I feel rather ambivalent about sewing machines. Maybe from all those years of taking sewing lessons and being a complete failure at it. When I was fifteen, I followed a pattern for shortalls faithfully. Oh, what are shortalls?

The belt adds a nice touch!

The ones I finished were pretty cute, but I couldn't figure out why the front was so much longer than the back. Yeeaaah, I must not have looked closely enough at the pattern, because the shortalls were maternity shortalls. Oops. Did I mention that I was fifteen years old? (Mom, I have something to tell you . . . .) I think that this is proof for the tea-party folks that domesticity leads to sin.
Back to the sleep masks!

For sale only at Craft Lake City!

UPDATE: My friend found this exclusive photo:

Roseanne was so ahead of her time.

Movie Quote Friday! Three for the Price of One!

2011-08-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

Mr. Floozy is out of town so I turned to twitter and facebook for suggestions for short movie quotes. I stitched the first three short quotes quickly and then I went to an old-folks buffet with my kids. After that, shoe-shopping. I also tapped on the window of a couple of teenagers making-out in their car. It was fun! I really wanted to stop and give the boy some tips, since his head was rotating on his neck like a hypersonic ferris wheel. But I didn't!

Can you guess the quotes?

Crochet Breast Cancer Ribbons as modeled by Creepy Doll and Doll Head Minions

2011-08-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

You know what I hate? Breast Cancer. I realize that this sets me apart from everyone else. That is why I am a huge trend-setter with this idea I had of making everyone aware of breast cancer with the aid of wearing pink ribbons. Totally a revolutionary idea! If you come to Craft Lake City (which you will, because you love me) you can have a Floozy Pink Ribbon. For free! Okay, not for free exactly, but with the purchase of anything from my booth. What's with the sudden interest in breast cancer awareness? Well, my mom has it. And I freakishly adore her. And something about this cancer pisses (sorry about the near-swear, Mom) me off.
Here is the cute pink little bugger:


Pin me on your boobie, moobie, or prosthetic such.

While supplies last!

I have a cute pin!

Creepy Doll also hates breast cancer.

The color pink brings out the creepiness of my eyes.

Okay! Maybe you want to stop reading this post here.
See, I went to a local thrift store the other day and spotted a bunch of doll heads. Bodiless. As in, no bodies. They called to me, 'Floooooozzzzyyyy, floooozzzzyyy! Buy ussss. Take usss hoommme. BOO!'

So, I did. Here is a very weird picture I took that pretty much has nothing to do with breast cancer.

There is no explanation for this, no.

Remember kids, Breast Cancer BAD. BOO! Also, I love my mom.

MQF! MQF! MQF! There is a glitch in the matrix.

2011-07-29T11:36:00.000-07:00

I can do lots of things. Wiggle my pinky toe, sleep with my eyelids partly open, embarrass my children with a single dance move, but I can't bend a spoon. Mr. Floozy can! He can also open pickle jars.

there is no spoon.

I've seen 'Drag Me to Hell' so I know a Gypsy Curse is pretty bad.

2011-07-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

Luggage tags! For your suitcases, backpacks, MacGuffin briefcases, and children!

if you harm my stuff i will GYPSY CURSE you!

They are so pretty. And dangerous.

The 'backside.' Where you put your info, just in case whoever robbed you also wants to steal your television.

This time I really REALLY fixed it. Really.

2011-07-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

FIXED!

I fixed it!

2011-07-25T11:49:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: It's "telEgram." People, this is why you shouldn't do drugs. (Ahem, lortab from surgery, ahem.)

Remember last Friday's movie quote that made your eyes seizure? Well, I fixed it! It's fixed, right? TELL ME I FIXED IT.

WARNING: May cause hallucinations, blindness, or spontaneous singing.

Mini Floozy's Movie Quote Friday!

2011-07-22T17:57:00.000-07:00

As you all know, since I overshared personal information, I recently had a surgery. One of my friends watched my kids for a couple of days. She was appalled that they had never seen the movie Clue or played the game. I admit to complete parental failure on account of the movie, but not for the game. See, we played the 'Jr.' version of Clue called 'Who Ate The Cake.' A game supposedly safe for children since it doesn't have a murder. But it does have a criminal who dares to eat all the cake. CAKICIDE. Dun dun dun!
My kids loved both the game and the movie, and my dear friend let the kids borrow her precious dvd. It has been on approximately fifty trillion times since then. My youngest daughter has also been on repeat, singing over and over and over again, 'I am your singing telegram... BANG!'

I am your singing telegram . . . BANG!!

Oh what? You can't read it? It's too hard to read the writing against the dark, design-y fabric? It sort of looks like one of those headache-inducing optical illusions, the kind that if you stare at long enough you suddenly see a picture of a pterodactyl. Yes. You are right. This one is a SAMPLER FAIL. BANG! ** falls down dead*

Supah Deluxe Number One Bathroom Birdie

2011-07-21T21:20:00.000-07:00

I was commissioned recently to make another Bathroom Birdie. Not just any bird, but an OWL, and not just any size but a big "12 hoop sampler.

That's one big owl!

I am a pretty pretty bird.

Night-blossoming button fruits with autumnal leaves

The Owl does not lie.

your heads are full of poo

2011-07-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

I guess my fascination with embroidering the word 'poo' first started with this pillow I made for my friend, Holly, a few years ago. You see, her adorable, verbally precocious daughter once yelled to her parents, 'your heads are full of poo and it is falling out of your ears!' To celebrate her toddler daughter's talent for insults, I made this:

Notice how the flower petals falling represent the second half of Daphne's insult.

It was well-received by the parents, but not so much by the daughter. I would have expected nothing less. I'm all about creating tender moments and beautiful family heirlooms.

Why I am So Late . . . .

2011-07-15T16:38:00.000-07:00

. . . . about everything, including my period. NO! I am not pregnant. In fact, I am the opposite. A man? Wait. No, not that either. Let's just say that I had a little surgery. Crap. I'm making this worse. Here is a hint:

I have a FACE.

My friend bought me this adorable plushy. Yeah, it's a uterus. She got it for me to replace my old one. It's gone, people! Hysterical-ectomy! I'm not sure if this makes me an old woman or a man or both, but what I do know is that I am extremely allergic to percocet and that I haven't been able to craft much. And today is 'spose to be Mr. Floozy's Movie Quote Friday. I know! If I were to stitch a quote for today, it would be this one (perfect for my guest bathroom!) that Mr. Floozy always quotes from Summer School.
This menstruation thing? It's a scam! Women are so lucky!

Gothasol: a tutorial. kinda.

2011-07-11T17:21:00.000-07:00

It is summer time. And I am a vampire. Well, vampiric. I'm not really into the blood-sucking thing and I think that's a requisite. Soooo, I took this medicine a couple of years ago, and the doc was like, it may cause yadarashyadasunyada. So now basically when I go out into the sun, I get a rash. It even has a name: polymorphous light eruption. I don't have it as badly as I used to. I no longer start to sizzle as soon as I step out of the shade. BUT, I am still not a real big fan of the daystar sun. I would totally unfriend it if we were on facebook together.

I could be trendily romantic and walk around with a parasol while genteelly touring my country estate, but nah. I think that a gothasol is much more subtle.
Hopefully by now you have figured out that gothasol is a portmanteau of the words "goth" and "lonely."

Hold onto your decorative chainmail, goth peeps, cuz I'm going to show you how to make your very own GOTHASOL.

First. Buy an umbrella. A black umbrella, duh.

Cheap black umbrella

Next, get together a bunch of black crafty crap.

Yes, I have multiple junk drawers.

I am now assuming that you are an AMERICAN and own a glue gun. It's like the second amendment, yo. Glue gun the trim around the perimeter of the umbrella.

Free Hint: measure out your trim before you apply.

Okay. I totally ran out of trim mid-umbrella. But I'm a problem solver. So I added this:

It's like some gauzy material covered with a layer of lace which is covered with some silver studded stuff.

Done! Your gothasol is a work of art. Make sure you take it with you every time you go outside in public.

The Daystar wants to kill me.

USED UP

2011-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

Apparently, there is an online match-making website called OkCupid. And apparently, one of the options for body type is 'used up.'

Excuse me while I laugh creepily for five minutes.

Okay. All better. If ever in the far, far distant future I am on the market (don't get too excited Mr. Floozy), I really hope this website exists so that I can check that box. Meanwhile, I have this.

Hang me on your doorknob!

used up

These won't be available on my Etsy store for awhile, but I will be selling them at Craft Lake City.

Mama Floozy's Movie Quote Friday -- O Brother, Where Art Thou?

2011-07-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today's movie quote comes from my super lovely mother. She likes a lot of weird movies. 'Finian's Rainbow,' anyone? Luckily, when I asked her what her favorite movie was, she answered with 'O Brother, Where Art Thou.' A classic! And teeming with worthy quotes. This is perhaps one of the best. A family favorite. Good for all occasions. Use it on your English teacher next time she asks you why you didn't finish your book report. She will love you for you impeccable grammar and your knowledge of transmogrification.

Make sure you drawl this out slowly and dopily.

Floozy T-Shirts! now available in size MYOB

2011-06-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

I like to wear certain shirts just for the fun factor of seeing people try to stare at my chest as slyly as possible. Hey guys! My eyes are up here! But srsly, my interesting image and/or slogan and/or motivational saying is yes, down there. (Not down down there.) So go ahead and stare. I'm a mom of three kids. Really, I know that you are only interested in the shirt.

Speaking of shirts and awkward segues! Somewhere on this page is a Zazzle page link. It should look t-shirty and zazzIy. Click on it and you will be magically transported to my Tee Store. There will be more eventually, but right now I have put up a few shirts with images from various embroideries I have made, including :

An Important Message From a Serious Clown by ubermarie
See other Cotton T-Shirts

Mr. Darcy by ubermarie
See other Mr T-Shirts

Manicorn by ubermarie
Browse more Manicorn T-Shirts
The 'Manicorn' is for you, Cornfed Girl!

Ctholly -- child of Cthulhu & Holly Hobbie by ubermarie
Browse more Cthulhu T-Shirts

A chickation is like is a box of chocolates ...

2011-06-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

... because you cry like a drunk hobo when all you have left is an empty box and a chocolate mustache and a cardboard shanty saturated with cat pee.

I am a word wizard.

This chickatation with my friend Holly was unusually productive. We saw two (2) movies, the 'Louie' tv show premiere at Brewvies, saw Ira Glass at the Kingsbury, went to the Utah Arts Festival, and ate many many waffles.
I also dropped off some of my handmade items at 'Signed & Numbered', a rad boutique in Sugarhouse. If you go there, say the Floozy sent you, and then don't shoot spit wads at them when they politely respond that they have no idea who that is.

Here are a few of my items that you can purchase there:

For those rare times when a doctor prescribes me xanax. This face says, 'please doctor, I am scared of people.'

Stabby. A reason for the xanax.

And this face is . . . . Yeah, I don't know what this face is.

Mr. Floozy's Movieeee Quote Fuh-RI-deee!

2011-06-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hopefully you hated those Star Wars prequels as much as me and the Flooze Dude did. Total crap. But comedy gold when it comes to harvesting movie quotes. Those scenes between Natalie Portman and Emo Mullet? So cringey. And yet so awesome.

Here is one of my husband's favorites to say whenever the lighting is soft and romantic and I am looking exactly like Natalie Portman. Exactly.

.... when there was nothing but our love!

I will hold the Floozy Family Tupperware Puke Bowl up to your lips for you now.

My friends get me.

2011-06-23T10:20:00.000-07:00

Greetings! I am on my chickation with my 'special' friend Holly. We are having fun even though we have yet to consume a single waffle. That must be remedied!

I have other friends (on my payroll) who also understand the delicate instability of my nature. Maybe they appreciate it? Yeah. Let's go with that.

This is a card my friend Jodie sent me awhile ago. To cheer me up. It worked.

It's not like this is some random card she picked up from a boutique. She designed it herself! That is like really real talent. Unlike my fake-it-till-they-escort-you-from-the-premises talent. Here is her store. You are welcome! I'm thinking angry blossoms for you!

Perhaps I should explain this.

2011-06-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

'you have the heart of hitler'

I made this for my brother last year after he was down in the dumps after a messy divorce. It really cheered him up! Isn't it adORable?

Yes. There is a back story. Take my hand while we gently travel down memory lane. (Why is your hand so sweaty?) When I was an early teenager I went through a hardcore holocaust reading stage. You know, where I would read every single book I could find on the subject. Anne Frank was followed by Alicia was followed by The Hiding Place. And a kazillion more that I can't remember the titles to. It was an obsession. I still do the same thing now with my reading. Exhaust a genre. Young Adult Urban Fantasy, Serial Killer Lit, whatever. I don't stop until I feel sated.

Soooo, one day my lil' brother Eric was teasing my other littler brother John. In a really mean way. Not just a stinky way, but a way that I found morally appalling. I'm sure that I was in the middle of some gut-wrenching novel, when I stopped, looked at Eric with the eyes of an avenging angel and told him, "You have the heart of Hitler."

This is now a family favorite story. Told and retold at every get-together. (Along with the one of me hiding behind the couch when I had a bad perm. Yes, I was 17 years old. I would still hide behind the couch if that happened to me now.)

I can just imagine my brother as an old man, his little grandchildren gathered around his knees, bringing out this keepsake pillow, and telling them the touching tale of how long, long ago, his over-dramatic sister told him he had the heart of Hitler.

Cherish precious memories. Cherish.

Flooze Dude's Movie Quote Friday! Good advice from a Sicilian

2011-06-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it seem like every other post has been a movie quote? Durnnit. Probably because I have been busy working with a very cool website: YouBigMary. Next I am going to be working on getting some more stuff made for a boutique in Salt Lake, but I promise that I will try and get more posts up of a non-quote persuasion.

Meanwhile, here is some good advice from a very verbose and red-faced Sicilian:

If you hold still too long, I will stitch something on you.

2011-06-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

My daughter is into peace signs. I mean really into peace signs. Remember this?

The graffiti of her dollhouse says I believe in peace and granny aesthetics.

Any time I see something with a peace sign, I buy it. So does her grandma. Now my daughter is basically a walking billboard for pacifism. Fine with me! Her peace sign collection includes a backpack, flip-flops, a lot of jewelry, a nightgown, a peace-sign painted manicure and a pedicure, and lately? denim shorts with a peace logo handstitched by moi.

The right pocket believes in peace. The left pocket? not so much.

I like buying the cheapo store-brand denim shorts and then shadazzling them with my stitchery. I still do this for my Jr. High school boy. Think rainbows and swirly flowers. Man, that kid is popular with the ladiez.

Much better to bling the clothes yourself than to buy them pre-blinged.

Not that we wear real clothes. This summer has been crazy slothful. We spend a good chunk of our day wearing ~~pajamas~~ lounge wear. That is until I get responsible and demand that the kids go outside and "get the freshness." (Isn't that the best line ever? I totally stole it from my friend, Johi.) At least when we are "getting the freshness" we are doing it with style!

Followup. My bathroom is on the cover of a magazine!

2011-06-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

A really real magazine!

thanks, Rick!

Mr. Floozy's Quote Time Friday Yes!

2011-06-10T16:54:00.000-07:00

I knew our love would last forever the first time I heard my husband burp this:

My Bathroom is a Work of (f)Art

2011-06-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe some of you have wondered where all of my creations end up -- the ones that don't make it to the Etsy store or the White Elephant party. Well. For awhile there, they were mostly in an old Amazon cardboard box. In my kitchen. In the corner. Under a little black rain cloud. A few days ago I had a rare burst of energy and disentombed all those unappreciated samplers, and placed them in a room truly worthy of their awesomeness: the bathroom. Not just any bathroom. The guest bathroom. That we still use all the time. Behold:

Never be bored while using the bathroom again!

Please ignore my grody mirrors and the handy spray bottle of cleaner for those of my guests who have difficulty aiming. You know who you are.

The first 'Bathroom Birdie.' Can you find the bird? It's tricky. (Because it is invisible)

Before the makeover, my guests were forced to choose from the available reading material.

I dare you to find a bathroom in America with nerdier reading material!

And the best part of the bathroom...

The perfect location for 'it rubs the lotion on its skin' sampler.

Mr. F's MQF: Funny AND educational!

2011-06-03T12:29:00.000-07:00

The San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant is a nuclear power plant located on the Pacific coast of California (according to Wikipedia.) Interesting! Another fun fact: the San Onofre plant uses seawater for cooling. I bet you did not know that!

San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant

Something else maybe you didn't know. Whenever Frank Drebin drives by the nuclear plant he thinks about his ex-girlfriend and says:

Wherein I combine three of my favorite things...

2011-05-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

... Stitching, Serial Killers, and Bacon.

It rubs the lotion (on its skin).

Do you know how hard it is to sew with bacon? Answer: very. Those little blobs are supposed to be ellipses. They are made out of mayonnaise. Not lotion. And the adorable stitched border is black licorice. Yummm. Oh, and the whole thing is on an uncooked tortilla. I tried to stitch this on a big ham steak, but it didn't work. I feel as if I failed you.

Okay, so why the hell did I do this? Because there is this Craft Community called Craftster and they have these rad monthly challenges. The upcoming one is titled 'Play With Your Food' and basically, yeah, you make something with food. Since I stitch, I thought I would try this. Let's just say that in my head it looked WAY COOLER. But oh well. At least my kids had a tasty lunch!

Come and get it!

Mr. Floozy's MQF: or College! The best three weeks of my life!

2011-05-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Spaceballs. Is funny. In small doses. But very very quotable to Mr. Floozy.

So I made this last night. And it just looked funny to me. Not funny-har-har. But funny-wrong. I held it up to Mr. Floozy and said, "Tell me that I spelled this right." He looked at me blankly for a second and then deadpanned, "Sure, if you meant 'LudRicous.'" I kan spel so gud.

Someone help me understand this.

2011-05-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

Today is 'Geek Pride Day.' This is just an excuse for geeks to feel okay about living in the basement. I am less of a geek and more a nerd. Or maybe it's a dork. Whatevs.

Despite my quasi-geek status, I am taking part in this thing called the 'Open Source Embroidery Project. Someone go read that, de-Spock it and report back to me. Explain it to me as if I was a kindergartner. You know. Layman's terms. And then tell me what 'layman's terms' means, because that phrase also does not make sense.

Basically, a bunch of stitchers from arooouund the worrrrld take a phrase from the 'Digital Commons' (clueless!) and stitch it on a piece of fabric. Mine is, 'The facility to log on.' And just between you and me, that is like almost the very beginning of the project. Like, the second sentence. Or maybe it even counts as the first sentence since it follows a colon. I was told that this coveted slot was reserved for me, The Cotton Floozy, aka The Chosen One.

The cute rainbow-y colors distract me from the fact that I have no idea what this means.

New Puppy! cuz my life wasn't complicated enough.

2011-05-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

Yes. I know. You cannot believe how stoopid I am. To get another pet? But look at this face.

Accio adorable!

His name is 'Weasley,' so now he and Granger can be a matched set. He is a shih tzu. Or as Annie would say, 'a shit sue.' How long did it take me to crochet him a sweater? Not long.

Pet humiliation!

Granger offers heartfelt sympathy to Weasley for being dressed as a human.

For those who don't get all of my Harry Potter references, you are dead to me.

mr. floozy's movie quote friday: now with free answers!

2011-05-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

Who hasn't seen Better Off Dead? Sad people. That is who. Oh. And my children. Better remedy that. Unless the whole fun-with-suicide theme isn't suitable for kids. Huh. On second thought....

And hey, guys? You owe me money.

PINCUSHION SMACKDOWN!

2011-05-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

MEET THE OPPONENTS!

Flower "The Flower" Silva!

You will submit to my cuteness!

VS (click 'read more' for the jump!)


Bob "The Skull" Silva! "I am impervious to your quaint adorableness!"

or maybe not.

A Very Important Message from A Serious Clown

2011-05-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

I don't think that anything I have made so far is as revelatory to who I am as much as this embroidery piece. This clown? basically sums up the last few months of my life.


The more you know!


You look so peaceful when you're sleeping.

And yes, that is a trippy picture of a clown. How did I find it? Why, from this website. Here is a screenshot.

Triumphal Entry Into Jerusalem now with more Clowns!

I think this might be my new favorite website. Ever.

More Bacon and Exciting News!

2011-05-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

And by exciting, I mean scintillating. Naturally. As a few of you know, I belong to a local Stitch & Bitch group. Where we get together and stibitch. (Yeah, it's a word.) Well! We are starting our own collaborative blog where you will see the wide range of our crafty viewpoints. We have the ladies who sew adorable aprons and ladies who dabble in graphic design and even a lady who sews capes and historical clothing and another lady who showcases obscene crafts. I know! All in Utah County! Your mind! Is it blown? And then there is of course the Archetypal Mother Figure of SnB, founder and Type A personality, Yvette, who specializes in geek stitchery. Our group blog will be named (drumroll) HAPPY VALLEY CRAFTERS. It's still a work in progress and we're still in the Dream Big!-phase, but I will let you know as soon as our site goes live. It will be very exciting. I mean scintillating. And just to whet your appetite for the awesomesauce that is coming your way, check out Yvette's bacony cross-stitch from her flickr. Is genius.

MR. FLOOZY'S MOVIE QUOTE FRIDAY: late night edition!

2011-05-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

This is a Mr. Floozy movie favorite. He is obsessed and even owns a bobble head of the main character. Admittedly, it is one of my favorites too, as verified by my facebook info page. Gospel truth.

Oh Bacon Tree!

2011-05-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

Whilst traveling through an enchanted forest, you might stumble upon this: a bacon tree.

Behold! The fruit of the Bacon Tree!

Plucking the bacon

If the bacon is ripe and crisp, be gentle when plucking it from the branch. It will break into a million glorious bits if you grab it too firmly. If the bacon is unripe and flaccid, go ahead and pick it anyway. You can take it home with you and finish the ripening process there. Simply place it in your frying pan and cook it until preferred crispness. The fruit of the bacon tree is delicious and is known worldwide for its flavor, which many describe as "bacony." The grease left over from cooking the bacon is also very useful. For example, it makes an excellent hand cream.

Even if you have the hand of a fat fourteen-year-old girl, the bacon grease is an excellent moisturizer.

The bacon grease is also tasty! In olden times they used to add it to pie crusts and possum stews, but nowadays, many of our sophisticated cuisine also pairs well with the "bacony" nuances of bacon grease.

For the cultivated palate

Ah, the Bacon Tree! you give us sweet sweet bacon.

Lord Chief Justice Camel introduces his BFF

2011-05-10T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yes. Hello. I am Lord Chief Justice of the Queen's Bench. And under this gorgeous hat (which will soon be a present for Mistress Floozy's friend) is my BFF. He is also a lord.

But first, check out my camel toes.


Here he is. My BFF. Darth, Lord of the Sith and Crochet Flowered Hats

Which do you want to do first, Darth? Go play on the swings at the park? or go hang out at the food court at the mall?

Ctholly: The Love Child of Cthulhu and Holly Hobbie

2011-05-09T10:14:00.000-07:00

First, as an introduction to this classic tale of beauty and the beast, I would like to share with you an excerpt from my screenplay, 'Forbidden Lust."

Holly Hobbie: I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

Cthulhu: Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Holly Hobbie: I’d rather die than be with anyone but you.

Cthulhu: Y’ai ‘ng’ngah, Yog-Sohoth.

Holly Hobbie. I love you. You . . . you complete me.

Cthulhu: Aye, cngengah. F’ai throdog UAAAH!

FIN

At the end of my screenplay, after countless obstacles and ridiculous misunderstandings, our two lovelorn characters finally get together, and um, make a baby.

THIS

THIS: The Love Child, Ctholly

Ctholly's favorite hobby: licking kittens.

Cringey clip --Followup on Movie Quote Friday.

2011-05-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

Mr. Floozy pointed out this youtube video clip. You should watch it and then all will be revealed.

TAAAAYYY INNA WIN!

Don't worry if you don't get this -- Mr. Floozy's Friday Movie Quote

2011-05-06T06:54:00.000-07:00

So one of my favorite memories is of Mr. Floozy swaying his arms wide and saying, 'Tay ina win. Tay bowin in da weeeeen." He was hilarious. Problem is, after I finished stitching this, he informed me that he had never seen the movie or quoted this. Uh. Okay. So it was someone else? My little brother? A friend? A mime? (Who can speak?) I DON'T KNOW.

tay ina win

Crochet flower barrettes as modeled by creepy doll, coconut bank monkey, and Coke Zero.

2011-05-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

My nieces have requested crocheted flower barrettes. Or rather their mother did. Same thing. So before I shipped them off I did a photo shoot. Remember the Creepy Doll?

She modeled these cute hair accessories for me.

I look much less creepy without the zombie eye mask and the bonnet.

My head is adorned with adorable.


Ut oh. Now I don't look creepy, but rather vulnerable and in need of a grape popsicle for cheering up.

I hired a few other models.

I have never felt so beautiful.

This blue barrette holds my hair in place while I run free like a gazelle.


I cannot believe we're both Pisces!

"Still Life Ginger Coke With Bonnet and Superfluous Doiley"

Awesomesauce

2011-05-04T10:20:00.000-07:00

What is with this word? And why do I like it so much? Also, is it one word, or two words? Oh. It's one word. Why? Because that is how I stitched it. Debate over.

And hey! Isn't your mom awesomesauce? If you order today on my Etsy you can still get free shipping with the MOMSDAY coupon code. If you live locally (Utah), it should get there on time. If you live somewhere cool, it might be a little late, but hey, your mom will forgive you once you tell her she's awesomesauce.

Followup on 'I WANT THAT' embroidery piece

2011-05-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here is Loria. My fabulous friend and actor who makes the famous statement 'I want that,' in Napoleon Dynamite. I gave this to her, she graciously took this picture, and then she tossed the sampler aside and demanded her own trailer and a six-pack of sugar-free Monster energy drinks. Actors!

Lesbian Nazi Hookers: Mr. Floozy's Favorite Childhood Movie Quote

2011-04-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

Growing up I had three best guy friends who were unfashionably weird, but pretty dang cool. They always used to quote this from this particular cult classic movie. It was never funny to me. I vowed that one day I would be free of this blankety blank movie! But alas, then I married Mr. Floozy. This movie was on his most-quoted top five. In fact, all of Mr. Floozy's siblings can quote this movie both forwards and backwards. I think my sister-in-law even used this quote in an elementary school skit or something -- being completely unaware of the meaning of the words.

And now I have children who quote this movie all the time, being mostly unaware of the meaning of the words. I have decided to embrace the madness.


lesbian nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight loss programs

NAME THAT MOVIE!